Barfly October 2004

Dear John Kerry

Dear John,

It’s not you. It’s me. Really.

No, wait it is you. You are Mondale and Dukakis rolled in to one. Never have I been less excited to vote for a candidate, and that includes the eighth grade student council race between the head cheerleader and the captain of the football squad. I will vote for you, but at this point, only because you’re not Bush.

It’s not that I disagree with any of your politics. Quite the opposite. I, too, am pro-choice, pro-environment, and against the death penalty. I do take issue with the fact that your positions on theses issues are buried deep within your website, and that you never seem to mention them in speeches. Millions of Americans care deeply about these issues, and instead you rely on special interest groups to advertise your opinions.

Speaking of special interest groups, can you please, please do something about these 527s? It’s not so much that I mind being approached by some teenager every other block; it’s the fact that these kids are paid a sub-living wage and have no benefits. Don’t you think it’s the teeniest, tiniest bit hypocritical to claim labor support and treat the people who are trying to elect you like shit? I’ve worked on campaigns before, and I know all about the mandatory long hours and low wages. It’s one thing to exploit idealistic college grads, who probably are just setting themselves up. It’s quite another to exploit poor, working kids who are canvassing for you because they didn’t get the job at Burger King.

At least those kids didn’t have to go to Vietnam, right? You went. You killed, you got a Purple Heart, you had a change of heart. We get it. You’re brave; you’re masculine; you could kill a tiger with your bare hands. Whatever.

It’s not your fault your record in the Senate doesn’t look impressive. You got stuck in Ted Kennedy’s shadow, and junior Senators often get the short end of the stick. But you had to have done something besides name post offices. Right? Right?

Listen, John: we all know Bush is an idiot and this election is yours to lose. So why not focus on issues that mean something to the American people? How will you get us out of the clusterfuck of epic proportions that Iraq has become? How will you help Americans whose jobs have been sent overseas (no, hiring them to canvass for you doesn’t count)? What will happen to the millions who don’t have health insurance? Start answering these questions.

My vote is yours, no matter what. But then again, I’m a yellow dog Democrat and most people aren’t as forgiving as I am. Time is running out. Please don’t make America endure four more years of a man who cannot pronounce “nuclear.”

Best,

Cortney Starr

Dear Theresa,

He’s not good enough for you. All that Botox and he still looks like a horse. Crazy as a fox rich lady, you deserve better.

Love,

Cortney Starr

Dear Dennis Kucinich,

You are the cutest little Socialist vegan elf man ever. Will you come to the Food Fight vegan cookie contest with me?

XOXO,

Cortney Starr